please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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