Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
