wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
