i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
