How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
