I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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