I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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