I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
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