Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I need to stop coming to work sober
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
