There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
