I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
