I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
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Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
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I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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