I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
