Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
My balls are so social today.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
