I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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