does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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