I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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