Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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