Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
