From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
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I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
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OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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