i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
