im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
