omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize