remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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