i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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