i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Randomize