i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
