So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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