Swine flu. Run for my life!
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
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