someone threw a dead crab at me
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
