We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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