Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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