the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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