1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
