We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Randomize
