she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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