I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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