My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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