i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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