the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Randomize
