My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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