you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
