She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
