i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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