Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
