I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
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