Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
