I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
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mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
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She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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