i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Randomize
