New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
