he puts the penis in happiness.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
