The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
