if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
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