shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
