it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
