his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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