Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
